Today we’d like to introduce you to Emilie Modaff.
Emilie, let’s start with your story. We’d love to hear how you got started and how the journey has been so far.
Art, specifically music and theater, have been huge parts of my life since I was 8 or 9. I began studying piano around then, and soon after took up acting in school plays and musicals. I have the typical story – I found my passion early on and I studied diligently, moved to Chicago after high school, and have been working as an artist consistently since then (2010). What’s unique about my story is my decade+ struggle with addiction and mental health, a struggle that nearly took my life and, for a while, took my art. I went to rehab for the first time at age 15, 90 pounds, without a period, deep into self-harm and anorexia. I went again at 16, and while there, learned how to make myself throw up. I went again at 17 after a suicide attempt, days after graduation. I turned 18 in a rehab center in Orem, Utah. I came home, immediately relapsed and started drinking and using heavily. I tried outpatient treatment one more time, but that didn’t stick. Moving to Chicago gave me the opportunity to be a better addict, and subsequently a lazier and less motivated artist. I never stopped making art or playing music, but I stopped progressing. My art was mediocre at best, and though I skated by as a functioning addict, there came a point in August 2015 when I found myself with no desire to live anymore. I tried rehab one more time. On Christmas Eve 2015 I finally stopped drinking and using. For some reason, it stuck that time. In the past 2 and 1/2 years my entire life has turned around in a spectacular and miraculous way. I find myself making art constantly, art that I am proud of. I’ve written my first record, started storytelling, musical comedy, performance art. I’ve booked bigger gigs in the last 2 and 1/2 years than I did in my previous 14 years in the industry. I’ve become financially independent, made great strides in therapy, come out as non-binary, gotten engaged, and pushed my creative boundaries, and remained completely sober through all of it. I still have bipolar disorder, depression, and borderline personality disorder but my sobriety has allowed me to cope with all of that in ways I didn’t think were possible. Life is really good right now.
Great, so let’s dig a little deeper into the story – has it been an easy path overall and if not, what were the challenges you’ve had to overcome?
NO. None of it has been easy. Being an artist is hard enough. Being mentally ill is hard. Add being sober to that and it creates this whole other layer of struggle. I struggle to connect with my peers who drink and use, because I feel left out. So much of my life was spent trying to get peoples’ approval, and that takes a very long time to unlearn. I’m not there yet, but I’m doing the work.
Recovering from the eating disorder has been the biggest challenge. I’m also not there yet.
Coming out (again, because we’re constantly coming out) as nonbinary and polyamorous has been a constant thing. I spend a lot of time educating people. I spend a lot of time unlearning toxic ideas that I swallowed for 15 years of my life.
Getting sober has been the greatest blessing of my life, but its work. It is a daily decision to choose life over death.
Alright – so let’s talk business. Tell us about Self Employed Artist – what should we know?
As an artist, I’d say I’m most proud of my openness about mental illness and willingness to be vulnerable. I don’t bullshit about anything, because we don’t have time to tip toe around these issues.
Is there a characteristic or quality that you feel is essential to success?
Gratitude. Active gratitude.
Contact Info:
- Website: www.emiliemodaff.com
- Email: emiliemodaffbookings@gmail.com
- Instagram: instagram.com/modafffff
- Facebook: facebook.com/emiliemodaffactor
- Twitter: twitter.com/emiliemodaff
- Other: https://emiliemodaff.bandcamp.com/
Image Credit:
Alexus McLane, Madi Ellis
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